This is good, from Danny Silk’s Keep Your Love On, talking about self-control:
Self-control is at the core of being a powerful person. Self-control means that you can tell yourself what to do, and you can make yourself do it. It sounds simple enough, but telling yourself what to do and obeying yourself can be quite an accomplishment! For most of us, it’s a good day when we obey ourselves.
In order for us to practice self-control, we must have a goal. We must have something we are saying “yes” to, which necessarily comes with things that we must say “no” to. We use self-control to manoeuvre ourselves toward this “yes.” This goal must be entirely our own. As soon as another person is choosing and managing our goals for us, we have left self-control behind.
When I practice self-control in a relationship, I take full responsibility for managing my love and pursuing my goal of connection. If I ever turn my love off toward you, it is 100% my fault, no matter what you may have done. Self-control removes the option of blaming others for our choices.
from Danny Silk’s Keep Your Love On.